The Curse of Being Overly Competitive: The Need To Win

A recent round of Fortnite has me vexed. I had just notched my seventh kill and it was only 3 of us left in a solo match on the XBox One platform.

It’s the most popular game in the world right now and I just recently found out about it from my nephews 2 months ago. Season 4 was just released and I’m okay at the game (I guess), but nowhere near as good as some of the other players on the platform.

My endgame strategy is to build my fort on the highest point of the map not engulfed in the storm and hopefully let the other 2 players fight each other. Then I'll take out the last person.

Throw that plan out the window... one of the two players get crazy aggressive and now I’m fully engaged in a power depleting gun battle with a savage who just so happens to have a rocket launcher and builds like a God. I’m stable enough to maintain my composure long enough to knock him off in the middle of him reloading his shotgun, only to become engulfed in the storm afterwards.

As soon as I get out the storm I’m killed by the other player... another round lost!

You'll never understand.

I’m livid, knock over the open bottle of wine on the table now spilling onto the carpet and my wife is again looking at me like I'm a crazy man. She isn’t tripping too hard though because she’s kind of used to me after 14 years of marriage. She isn’t happy, just not freaked out.

Then she says, “all that over a game?”

Most people will never know what it feels like to be cursed with an overly competitive spirit.

It’s torturous! In most things you’ll always have more losses than wins. That’s just life... sports, business, professionally, socially, and recreationally. For those that have mastered anything, they’ve first suffered catastrophic losses.

And I’ve been this way since I was a child. My father built a half court in our backyard and I can remember always being super angry when I’d lose playing basketball.

It’d drive me to practice daily for hours at a time, putting up thousands jumpers and dribbling for miles with the goal of never dealing with how it feels to lose again.

Negatively motivated.

As I got older I became even more competitive. Matter of fact, the majority of my professional accomplishments are the direct result of someone telling me I can’t do something, would never reach a certain level, or that I wasn’t good enough to hold a specific position.

If you wanted to push me into doing something, publicly state that I couldn't do it. It’s a sure fire way to get my competitive juices flowing.

At 36 years old I’d like to shed this mindset.

A couple days ago I came to the conclusion that this is no longer healthy for me. Years ago at one of my lowest points when I’d taken lots of losses, I wouldn’t even want to go outside because I was depressed thinking about who I’d become. And trust me, nothing productive comes from that.

The fork in the road.

However, I’m still at a crossroad. On one hand some of my greatest feats have been a direct result of being driven by failure. I’d like to still strive to be the best version of myself. I’m not sure I can do that without being on edge.

On the other hand I feel like I’ve paid my dues. At what point do you consider yourself a winner without getting complacent? And who wants to have a raging fire within every time you experience a loss?

I admit, I’m not sure what the answer is. I am sure I want to change this aspect of my personality. I fear that may never happen.

On to another round of Fortnite...